I still remember when I first dabbled in the stock market, it was before the scripless CDS and everyone had to physically keep share certificates of shares bought and deliver them when sold, in KLSE.

Then, there was this joke about being ‘cool, calm and collected’ when the shares bought with the intention of contra trading ended up having to be paid for and share scrip ‘collected’, after the initial ‘cool and calm’ when prices dropped instead.

Someone, somewhere came out with the following market jargon, which is simply hilarious, if not for the current situation which adversely affects most players, big or small:

Bull market : a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear market : a six- to eight-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewellery and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum investing : the fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value investing : the art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio : the percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker : poorer than you were last year.

Buy, buy : a flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard and Poor (S&P): your life in a nutshell. [that's me me me!!!]

Stock analyst : idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Market correction : the day after you buy stocks. [that's me me me too, Duh!!!]

Cash flow : the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional investor : past year investor who is now locked up in a nut house.

EBITDA : Earnings Before I Tricked The Dumb Auditor.
EBIT : Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering.
CEO : Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO : Chief Fraud Officer
EPS : Eventual Prison Sentence.